Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick.Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time.He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.